


Uncertainty At Its Finest | TJ Kippen & Jonah Beck Oneshot

by JKRawlings



Category: Andi Mack - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Aromantic, Bro Time, Implied Kippen Siblings, Other, Panic Attacks, Tonah that nobody asked for, platonic friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21802549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JKRawlings/pseuds/JKRawlings
Summary: "That's a great idea!" Andi interrupted me. I then looked to Buffy with pleading eyes, but she seemingly agreed with the idea of me and TJ going together.I mean TJ is cool and all - like we've become pretty good friends since he started dating Cyrus - but I really didn't want people to get any ideas.Not like that, but more like people think TJ was cheating on Cyrus with me. Something bizarre like that.But seeing that everyone else was pretty much onboard, what choice did I really have?
Relationships: TJ Kippen & Jonah Beck
Comments: 1
Kudos: 21





	Uncertainty At Its Finest | TJ Kippen & Jonah Beck Oneshot

_Three Months Ago_

__

"Jonah, the doctor will see you now."

__

"Blood pressure is 140/50. Hey Jonah, sweetie, how are you feeling?"

__

"Have you always suffered from panic attacks?"

__

"What was the last thing you ate?"

__

"Jonah... Jonah... Jonah? Are you with us..."

__

And then it all went black. __

____

—

____

Cyrus, Andi, Buffy, and I were all at the Spoon, the three of them conversing animatedly together. Meanwhile, I was in the process of daydreaming when suddenly, I was pulled out of my thoughts.

____

"Jonah? You with us?" Cyrus asked as he gave me a nudge.

____

"Yeah... yeah. What were you talking about?" I asked, my mind still clouded in thought. Buffy and Andi both scoffed at my lack of interest in the current conversation. I couldn't help it though.

____

"We were saying that the Winter Formal is next week, and were wondering who you planned on bringing." Andi reiterated. That caught me off guard considering I didn't really plan on choosing someone specifically to go with.

____

"Can't we just go as a group? Like last year?" I pleaded, not yet ready to branch out and 'get a date.'

____

"But Buffy wants to go with Marty, Andi is taking Amber, and I'm going to be in California seeing family for Hanukkah." Cyrus added. I love that kid, but when he points out the flaws in my requests, it kinda pisses me off. Like I know he means well and everything but still... it can be really annoying. Anyways, he’s still my best friend and nothing he could do could change that.

____

"I- I don't know if I wanna go then." I stated blankly. I really didn't if I was just going to be off to the side while everyone else was on the dance floor. 

____

"Wait Jonah, you could take Natalie. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a date." Buffy suggested. Ever since I stopped playing Ultimate, Natalie and I hadn't talked... like at all. So that was a definite no.

____

"Nah..." I stated as casually as possible, pulling out my phone, hoping to avoid any further questions.

____

"Why?” Andi frowned. Shit. I really didn't want to get into it. Like really, really.

____

"I don't know... we just... drifted I guess. Y'know since I took up basketball instead of Ultimate." I responded while scrolling through InstaPic. Like I said, I wasn't purposely being antisocial, I just didn't want anymore questioning.

____

"C'mon Jonah, you gotta go!" Cyrus cheered me on. Credit goes to him for the continuous support and enthusiasm.

____

"You're not even going!" I refuted. I know I sounded ‘salty’ or whatever, but it was true. He got a ‘get out of jail free card,’ and I didn’t. 

____

"Yeah, but if I could, I would."

____

"Because you have TJ." I continued for him. Andi and Buffy both nodding in agreement. 

____

"Wait! That's it!" Cyrus exclaimed. Andi, Buffy, and I all looked at him in confusion. I could almost sense where this was going. “You should go with TJ! He was pretty bummed out when I told him I was going to be away, but now he could go with you instead." Yep. It was just confirmed.

____

"Cy-" I tried. 

____

"That's a great idea!" Andi interrupted me. I then looked to Buffy with pleading eyes, but she seemingly agreed with the idea of me and TJ going together. 

____

I mean TJ is cool and all - like we've become pretty good friends since he started dating Cyrus - but I really didn't want people to get any ideas.

____

Not like that, but more like people think TJ was cheating on Cyrus with me. Something bizarre like that.

____

But seeing that everyone else was pretty much onboard, what choice did I really have?

____

— 

____

_One week later. ___

______ _ _

I found myself laying in bed, the night before the dance, flipping through people's stories on SnapShot. Looking at the time, I realized it was time to take my anxiety medication. 

______ _ _

It had been three months since I was actually diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder. And being honest, it still haunted me. Being rushed to the doctors after my parents came home from work while I was mid-panic attack. That was a very scary day for both me and my family.

______ _ _

But on the bright side, the meds have really helped me. I hadn't had an attack since the day I was diagnosed.

______ _ _

After taking the pills with a big gulp of water, I went back up to my room and checked my phone. I saw a notification from TJ on SnapShot. I opened up the app and tapped on the snap. It was a picture of his face doing that goofy all-lip-smile - one that I used to do when I was like five - and a caption that read, ‘check yo damn texts J-Bear’

______ _ _

So I did just that, and long behold, there was a message from TJ.

______ _ _

••

______ _ _

**TJ Slippin | 8:38 PM: **yo****

____******** _ _ _ _

**TJ Slippin | 9:49 PM: **yo****

____************ ** ** _ _ _ _

**TJ Slippin | 10:56 PM: **jdawg ^****

____**************** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**Me | 11:08 PM: **What’s up?****

____****************** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**TJ Slippin | 11:09 PM: **damn bout time****

____********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**Me | 11:09 PM: **My b****

____************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**Me | 11:09 PM: **What’s good****

____****************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**TJ Slippin | 11:10 PM: **u tryna skip that dance tmrw and just sleep over at my place?****

____********************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**TJ Slippin | 11:10 PM: **amber will be at the dance so we good****

____************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**Me | 11:10 PM: **Damn, I thought u would never ask****

____****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**TJ Slippin | 11:11 PM: **aight bet bro****

____********************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**TJ Slippin | 11:11 PM: **make a wish its 11:11 cutie****

____************************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**Me | 11:12 PM: **Do I gotta tell Cyrus u called me cutie lmao****

____****************************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**TJ Slippin | 11:13 PM: **nahh that was meant for cyrus not u****

____********************************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**Me | 11:13 PM: **Ok now my feelings are hurt****

____************************************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**TJ Slippin | 11:14 PM: **u will get over it****

____****************************************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**Me | 11:15 PM: **Fuck you too dude lmao****

____********************************************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**TJ Slippin | 11:16 PM: **night bro****

____************************************************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

**Me | 11:16 PM: **Gn****

____****************************************************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

••

____****************************************************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

I really couldn’t believe how clutch TJ came in. I was dreading that dance, and here comes TJ with a perfect solution. I think I’m beginning to see what Cyrus sees in him.

____****************************************************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

All jokes aside - I really didn’t want to go to that dance.

____****************************************************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

Problem solved.

____****************************************************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

—

____****************************************************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

_The next day. ___

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

I had been to the Kippen household before - because Amber - but never to just chill with TJ. I genuinely didn’t know what to expect.

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

My mom dropped me off in the driveway, so I walked my way up to the front door, the anticipation starting to irk me. I rang the doorbell and waited - for what felt like an eternity - before Mr. Kippen answered the door.

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Jonah! It’s been a while, bud. I’m sorry to say this, but if you’re looking for Amber, she is at the dance already.” Mr. Kippen greeted me. Did he still think that me and Amber were a thing?

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Actually...” I hesitated. “I’m not here for Amber.” Mr. Kippen furrowed his eyebrows, presumably confused that I had come to his house on the night of a big dance, but not for his daughter. I couldn’t blame him, its not like I had explained to him how lacked any bit of romantic attraction

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

Mr. Kippen stared at me confused, then glanced down at the duffel bag in my hands and put two and two together.

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Ohhh I see. Yeah, TJ’s I’m his room kid. Sorry, I thought he said Cyrus was coming over.” Mr. Kippen apologized. 

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Yeah no worries. Cyrus is actually in San Diego seeing family.” I explained.

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Yeah... I remember TJ saying something about that. Anyways, come in kid, before you get sick.” he said as he ushered me into the house.

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

Seeing TJ’s room for the first time was an experience. Surprisingly, it was just as messy as mine - clothes strewn about, and a few dirty dishes piling up on his nightstand. TJ was sitting at his desk playing Xbox as I entered, so I just awkwardly sat down on his unmade bed. 

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

After five minutes of waiting, TJ finally acknowledged my existence, giving me a simple ‘Sup’ while still staring at his monitor. I went over to him and shook him by the shoulders, screwing him up in the game. 

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Ay’ not cool dude.” TJ said, placing his controller down and turning around in his chair. 

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Teej!” I boomed, pulling him up out of his seat by his hand, and embracing him in a bro-hug. 

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“What’s up J-Dawg?” 

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Not much, what we got planned for tonight?” I was curious. I was hoping that I wouldn’t just be watching him play games all night. 

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“All nighter?” he asked.

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Aw yeah, I’m down dude.” 

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Okay, I got some movies we can watch, we can also play the new Call of Duty. Oh! And after my parents go to sleep, we can raid the kitchen for snacks.” TJ suggested. 

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Hell yeah.” I was definitely onboard for some good ol’ bro time. 

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Okay, here. Let me just finish this game up, and I’ll set up the second controller.”

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Bet.” I responded. Then I sat my duffel bag on his bed - and considering it was time to take my meds - I began to search through my bag for my pills. 

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

Except I didn’t find them. I apparently forgot them at home. I was going to call my mom to see if she could drop them off, but then I figured that one night without them couldn’t hurt. Or so I thought.

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

A few hours in, TJ had turned on Netflix, and we began watching a bunch of horror movies, something that he said he ‘couldn’t do with Cyrus.’ So far, all the movies had been pretty shitty, the two of us giggling and picking apart various scenes. 

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

I then glanced down to check my phone, only to see a bunch of texts from Andi, Buffy, and Marty; all of them telling me that I ‘missed out,’ and that the dance was ‘absolutely spectacular.’ And then it started happening.

____**************************************************************************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

—  
_"Have you always suffered from panic attacks?" _  
—__

____**************************************************************************______ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

My head began to spin.

____**************************************************************************______ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

—  
_“How are you feeling?” _  
—__

____**************************************************************************________ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

I could feel my heart rate increase.

____**************************************************************************________ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

—  
_“The doctor will see you now...” _  
—__

____**************************************************************************__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

The blue light from the TV started to become dimmer, the room closing in around me.

____**************************************************************************__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

—  
_“What was the last thing you ate?” _  
—__

____**************************************************************************____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

My breath began to hitch.

____**************************************************************************____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

—  
_“Jonah... are you with us?” _  
—__

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

It was happening. I was having another panic attack. I was hyperventilating, drenched in sweat, tears streaming down my face.

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Help.” I squeaked. I tried to scream but I couldn’t. TJ was on his bed, still focused on the stupid movie.

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Help.” I tried again. TJ didn’t even flinch, so I rolled around on the floor, breathing heavily.

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Help.” I squeaked one last time, this time TJ hopped off his bed and crouched over me.

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Jonah!” He yelled, grabbing my shoulders to stop me from rolling around on the floor. “Jonah, breathe. You’re having a panic attack. It will be over just breathe for me. Jonah!” 

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

I was crying. The way my rib cage felt like it was crushing my lungs, made me want to throw up. I couldn’t stop the pain, accepting the fact that I was dying. And then TJ was gone. 

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“No. Please- don’t- leave- me.” I stuttered quietly. Before I knew it though, TJ had returned with a glass of water.

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Here. Drink this.” He said, placing the cup into my shaky grip. I took a big swig and continued to try and get a hold of myself. 

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

After ten minutes of TJ crouching over me, and a few sips of water later, I had recollected myself. 

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Thanks.” I sighed, still out of breath. 

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Hey man, no worries.” 

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“No really dude, that was so scary.” I admitted. After feeling like I was in the clear, that one came out of the blue. So it was fair to say that I was still shaken up by it.

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“What? The movie?” TJ joked, and I couldn’t help but crack a smile.

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“You know what I mean, dumbass.” I sneered playfully. In his own weird way, TJ could always cheer me up. 

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Yeah I know. But really dude, it’s nothing. I’d do it for you no matter what.” We were sitting next to each other on his bed, so he put an arm around me. “But may I ask, what caused this one?” 

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“I really don’t know. I wasn’t stressed or anything, I guess it’s ‘cause I didn’t take my meds.” I really wasn’t feeling anxious at all. I mean, the texts from my friends at the dance were a little upsetting, but not to the point where I’d have a full blown attack. Like I said though, or so I thought.

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Damn dude, this really made me think about that first time.”

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“First time?” I asked, genuinely curious as to what TJ could possibly be referring to.

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Y’know... Cy’s Bar Mitzvah celebration?” Oh. That. 

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Yeah... I never got to thank you for that either.” I had really taken TJ for granted, or so it appeared that way. 

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Well I never got to apologize for that.” TJ admitted.

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Apologize?” I was confused.

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“I just left you there on the rocks. I’m sorry dude, I was scared too. So I got Dr. Goodman, knowing that he’d know what to do.” TJ explained.

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“You don’t have to apologize for that-“

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“But you asked me not to leave you.” 

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“I did?” I honestly didn’t remember the exact turn of events from that night. Honestly - other than celebrating Cyrus becoming a man in the eyes of the Jewish faith - I’d rather forget that night in it’s entirety. 

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“Yeah... and I felt like a real piece of shit for just leaving you high and dry. It was hella uncool.”

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

“No, you good man. It’s water under the bridge.” I’m just ready to be past all of that. 

____**************************************************************************______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ _ _

Yet in the back of my mind, a question began to bubble into my thoughts. ‘Will I need my medication in order to prevent any future panic attacks? Have I really become that dependent?’ 

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“Yo what are you thinking about right now?” TJ could apparently spot the sudden shift in my expression. 

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“I- I don’t know man.” I gulped nervously. “Do you think I’m gonna need my pills for the rest of my life to prevent me from... you know... having more attacks?” 

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“Listen, I’m no doctor, but I will say this. My mom is actually bipolar, and she takes pills to help with her behavior. And I asked her the same question. And here’s the thing; her medication is able to allow her to enjoy emotions. Does that make any sense?”

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“Yeah...” I nodded slowly.

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“Like she’s able to feel how she wants to feel, instead of letting her disorder take over. Like you and panic attacks. Yeah I get it, it sucks that you have to take pills, but without ‘em, you can’t enjoy life. And that’s what’s important.” Who knew TJ was this intelligent. 

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“Yeah, you’re right.” I agreed, feeling a whole lot better than before.

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“Listen man, life’s a journey, a sometimes hard journey, but a journey nonetheless. And you got us to help you along the way; me, Cyrus, everyone else. We’re all here for you dude.” TJ clapped me on the shoulder.

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“Damn.” I was speechless. Flustered wasn’t the right word. I just felt.., cared for. And this is why I didn’t seek romantic attraction. To me it’s pointless.

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Why look for something that’s right in front of you? 

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Friendship is a good enough bond for me. 

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Enough to the point where I feel loved.

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Enough to the point where I feel sure of myself.

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Enough to the point where I feel like I belong.

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“You down to play more COD?” TJ suggested, bringing a smile to my face. And yes... showing off my dimples to their full potential. I mean come on, they’re my key defining feature.

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“You bet.” I chuckled.

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“Yeah you say that, but you’re gonna get destroyed.” TJ teased playfully.

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Enough to the point where I no longer feel uncertainty.

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I feel like me, _Jonah Beck. ___

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**Author's Note:**

> So yeah... TJ and Jonah. Kudos are always appreciated. Comments too!


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